Preparation for Marriage
prepared by Robert Waters from numerous sources
I. Marriage is honorable and recommended in both the Old and N.T.
Gen. 2:24 - "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
Heb. 13:4 - "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but
whoremongers and adulterers God will judge."
A. It is not demanded, but God said that it is "Not good that man
should be alone."
1. Paul, who was slanderously reported by some to be opposed to
marriage, said: "I will, therefore, that the younger women
marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to
the adversary to speak reproachfully." (I Tim. 5:14)
2. Before a man can serve the Lord as an elder or deacon he must
be married.
a. This stipulation the Lord made.
b. The Lord then, thinks it is good.
B. Celibacy is not the better state.
1. Prov. 18:22 - "Whosoever findeth a wife findeth a good thing and
findeth favor of the Lord."
2. Prov. 31 tells us the price of a good wife is far above rubies.
II. You've Heard it said, The Home is the Backbone of a Country.
A. When the home breaks down the country breaks down.
B. A new home begins when two people of the opposite sex marry and
live together.
1. When they separate or divorce, the home is broken.
2. Well over 1/2 of the marriages today in U.S. end in divorce.
C. Our nation is looked upon by other nations as a "Christian nation".
1. It is true that the influence of Christianity has been greatly responsible
for the building of our great country.
2. The principles of honesty, morality, and justice were written into our
constitution by great men who believed the Bible.
3. But with the increase in immorality, divorces and sin of all kind, we
are looking less and less like a nation of disciples of Christ.
D. When this vital unit of society (the home) breaks down, the children
are not likely to be taught honesty, morality, justice and other virtues
which are necessary for happy and meaningful lives.
III. When we think about the number of divorces, we are made to wonder, "Why are
there so many divorces in our country?"
A. Most divorces were almost inevitable from the beginning because
one or both were not prepared for it.
B. To many marriage is just something that you can try, and if it doesn't
work with one person you can divorce and try it with another.
1. Some give no consideration to what God has said about it.
2. Some, especially among the movie stars, are married and divorced
many times.
3. There are some though, who respect God's law on marriage and have
every intention of staying together, but after being married a few months
they realize that they made a mistake, or maybe only one realizes that he
or she made a mistake.
a. This happens frequently because they were not prepared for marriage.
b. Preparation for marriage should be taught in the home, church, and
school by qualified teachers.
1) I'm not talking about teaching "sex ed."
2) There were big problems when schools started that several
years ago.
3) And since it was called sex ed. most parents thought that sex was
what they were teaching - not so, at least not in the since that
they thought.
a) Sex ed. and prep. for marriage is really same thing.
b) But with that name it was doomed from the start.
c) Some schools still have some classes but call it something else.
c. When young people don't learn from qualified teachers how to
prepare for marriage (be it book, parents, classroom), they will likely
not be prepared when they marry and good chance it won't last.
d. The fact that there are so many preg. outside of marriage, and so
many babies with only mothers to take care of them, and so many
divorces, is clear evidence that there needs to be more teaching in
this area anywhere we can get it.
e. Read humorous article from church bulletin: (Author -Bobby
Witherington)
Consider What you are Getting Into
"A man telephoned his wife, "I'd like to bring Bill home to dinner tonight." She screamed,
"To dinner tonight! You idiot, you know that the cook just left, I've got a cold, baby's
cutting his teeth, the furnace is broken and the butcher won't give any more credit until we pay up..."
Quietly the husband interrupted, "I know. That's why I want to bring him. The
poor fool is thinking of getting married."
"This article is not primarily about marriage. And it is certainly not intended to refute
God's observation that "It is not good that the man should be alone..." (Gen. 2:18).
Marriage can be the happiest relationship this side of heaven. Or it can be the most
miserable state this side of hell. It depends on the character and conduct of those
who enter the relationship. Of course, for those contemplating marriage
we do recommend that they first consider what they are getting into - not only with
reference to the blessings to be enjoyed, but also the responsibilities to be born.
The former cannot long continue without the latter."
Body
I. Besides obeying the gospel, who a person marries (if he marries) is
the most important decision in life.
A. This is true because of the intimacy of the relationship, because of the
potentials of happiness or sorrow involved, and because the one you marry
will have a great influence in your spiritual preparation for eternity.
B. Illustration: Black man didn't have the money to pay the preacher to perform
the ceremony so he offered him a possum. Preacher later asked, "How is
the marriage?" The black man said, "Well, sometimes I wished I et that
possum."
1. It is not uncommon for people with good marriages to think that way at
some point in their marriage.
2. But many have married without having prepared for it and consequently
have found themselves in an unfortunate situation.
C. God gave the instinct to mate but you must learn how to marry prepare
for it!
1. Many people spend hundreds and even thousands of hours
preparing themselves for a profession, yet they enter marriage
without opening a book.
2. They sign name to most important contract...without seeking advise of a
professional, whether from book or visit.
3. It may be that they think that since their mother said, "Be sure you love
the one you choose to marry", that they know enough.
a. Many times parents don't even teach that much.
b. This is why we hear of marriages that take place on Friday being
"on the rocks" on Monday.
c. You don't have to wait for someone to teach you – you can learn
on your own.
1) I didn't even know there were books on this subject until a
friend in high school in study hall read a profound statement
from one, which got me to thinking and studying.
2) He is a doctor now.
II. How Can One Be Sure That The One He Or She Is Contemplating
Marrying Is The "Right Person." (Some say, "you can't) May be true…
A. There are some simple guidelines that can be followed which will help in
choosing a mate that will most likely be a good companion.
1. First of all, don't think that you are going to find that "one and only";
there are very likely many who would make you a good .....
2. Don't be too hasty though.
a. Important decisions should not be made in haste.
b. When two people think they can't wait, at least a reasonable length of
time, they are not mature and most likely they are infatuated and not
in love. (We'll talk more...)
3. Marry someone with a background similar to your own:
a. Educational, economic, social, racial, and religious.
b. All are important.
4. Marry someone with similar ideals and goals.
a. One may have been baptized but not really share your ideals and
goals as a Christian.
b. Don't be fooled, some have been baptized just to get the one they
wanted.
c. What type of home do you want? are you truly a Christian with a
special desire to please God and to succeed spiritually? if so, you
will look for a companion with the same ideals.
5. Marry someone with basic skills.
a. A happy marriage is not an accident.
1) It is the result of plenty of hard work.
2) It is an achievement.
3) "It is built day by day by a thousand little things that are
prompted by love."
b. By skills we mean such things as home management, the making and
spending of money, the care of children, planning & cooking meals,
and keeping house.
c. Outside the home, the man in particular, must be able to earn a
income.
1) There are some fearful resp. that come with marriage, so it is
evident that one is not prepared for marriage until that one is
prepared to meet those responsibilities.
2) I Tim. 5:8 "But if any provide not for his own, and esp. for those
of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an
infidel."
3) Some, however, put too much emphasis on providing and spend
most of their time working and neglect the home.
4) There are many other things nec. to a happy home besides the
physical things.
6. Marry someone in the church.
a. Before you make up your mind to marry, it would be wise to talk
with a marriage counselor.
1) Among other things, he/she will ask you, "Are you two of the
same religious faith?"
2) Sociologists and psychologists call marriages between people of
different faiths "mixed marriages".
3) They have provided statistics to show the great danger involved
in such marriages.
b. Statistics are against you if you marry someone out of the church.
c. Common sense tells us that the more we have in common with
the person we marry the greater the chance that the marriage will
be a happy and lasting one.
1) If you marry someone of a different faith - at least 2 times a
week there is going to be a conflict.
i. You'll go one place, he'll go another, if at all; and the situation
will only be further complicated when children come.
2) Speaking of children, we are commanded to "Bring them up in
the nurture..."
i. Such is difficult enough when both parents are working
together.
ii. Do you think you would be strong enough and influential
enough to do it with a husband or wife working against you?
d. May we suggest that if you should fall in love with someone who
is not of the same faith, wait awhile.
1) Wait until you have had time to face the facts squarely, take
time to study your Bible.
2) Study your Bible together to see what God says and let that
be what both of you accept.
3) Marry in the church - not just someone that has been baptized,
but a faithful Christian.
e. Why do I say this?
1) Because I've seen the anguish, the tragedy, the heartaches,
and sorrow that has followed all too often from the other course.
2) When a Christian marries...there is always that barrier between
them and all to often the church is forgotten.
f. I knew a girl who thought she had a solution to her problem.
1) Couldn't convert her boyfriend so she got him to promise that
he would go to church with her after marriage.
2) After married he went one time - kept his promise.
3) If you can't convert friend while dating don't think that it
will be easier after marriage.
B. There is no way that you can be 100% certain that a particular person will
make a good husband or wife for you.
1. But by following these guidelines, which are agreed upon by most
sociologists and psychologists, you can enter marriage with confidence
because statistics will be in your favor.
2. Listen to parents and friends - sometimes they can see things you cannot.
3. Study how to prepare for marriage because who you marry may well
determine whether you spend the rest of your life happy or miserable,
and it may affect where you are in eternity, and children to come.
a. Study this subject in light of what the Bible teaches and trust the Lord
who knows best - seek His help.
1) If we will obey what the Lord has revealed we will most likely
have a happy home which will contribute much toward our
spiritual success.
2) If we disobey, we not only sin against God but we will likely suffer
on earth for the mistake.
b. If young and unmarried, you would find it profitable and interesting to
read some books on dating and marriage.
C. If you are not married and not interested in preparing for marriage, we hope
that you are not interested in marriage or dating because you are not mature
enough to accept the responsibilities.
D. Courtship and marriage is certainly not a game!
1. Sex is good and God approves, but the activities that we can engage in
during courtship are limited by God's word.
2. Those who love and respect God will know these limits and keep within
them.
III. Love Is An Art
A. It is not enough to set back and wait to get lucky and "fall in love".
B. Instead, we must spend time learning what love is and what it means to
our lives.
1. It takes real effort.
2. It is something that must be worked at.
C. There have been many attempts at defining love.
1. The word has so many meanings as a result of using it incorrectly that it is
almost meaningless.
2. "I love you" is not something that a girl or boy should say after only a
few dates.
a. To do so would likely show that he or she doesn't really know the
meaning of love.
b. Love has been defined as: "Warm attachment, enthusiasm or
devotion, unselfish concern that freely accepts another in loyalty
and seeks his good."
1) Those who are selfish it seems are incapable of loving another.
2) However, one can learn to overcome this undesirable trait.
D. Learning to love is preparation for marriage and it involves a number of
things that have to be learned such as:
1. Giving or sharing - a quality of unselfishness.
2. Closeness - comes about through openness and honesty, resulting in
getting to know and like oneanother.
3. Trust - a necessity to a happy marriage.
a. You gain trust as a result of your consistent record of being faithful
and honest.
b. Many a home has been reduced to shambles because of lack of trust.
c. Be trustworthy yourself, and learn to trust those who are worthy of
your trust.
[learning to love involves:]
4. Responsibility must be learned.
a. You learn to be resp. when you learn to handle resp.
1) Your first resp. may have been something like washing the dishes or
carrying out the garbage.
2) Then, came resp of learning - at school and church.
3) Those who do well in these areas will likely be resp. when they are
old enough to marry.
b. Many marriages have failed because the husband was not responsible
enough to hold a steady job or because the wife was not responsible
enough to live with their means.
1) Often you see adds in paper saying, "I will not be resp. for any debts
other than my own."
2) Men have to do this sometimes when their wives are not
responsible enough to be allowed credit (Vice versa)
5. Respect - is something that you must learn how to obtain.
a. Respect is earned, not gained by demanding it.
b. Parents gain respect of their children by being fair, honest, moral,
consistent, and firm.
c. Respect is gained from others in the same way.
d. It is most important that young men and ladies keep the respect of those
who they date.
e. The surest way for a young lady to loose her boyfriend and lesson her
chances of getting another (worth his salt) is to lose his respect.
1) How? by being too friendly - too well acquainted.
2) Girls, tell your boyfriends that you believe that sex before marriage
is wrong and will cause disrespect, and if he really cares, and is a
decent guy, you will not loose him.
3) The finest young men always look for girls that have kept the
respect of those who they date.
i. Rest assured, word gets around.
4) Prov. 22:1 "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches".
5) A good name is part of preparation for marriage.
a) To have a good name you must keep the respect of those you
date.
b) Loose the respect of those you date and you loose your good
name.
c) To keep respect you may have to say NO.
i. You may even have to break up, at least temporarily.
IV. Dating is an Important Part of Preparation for Marriage.
A. The more you date the greater the chance of finding a good mate.
1. Those who date only a few often wish they had dated more when the
time comes for making a choice.
2. Steady dating has its advantages and is even nec. to get to know
someone well enough to consider marriage.
a. But for the very young (14-16) it often leads to hardships and regret.
b. "Breaking up" can be the hardest thing you ever did when you feel
like you are in love, but sometimes it is for the good.
1) Breaking up doesn't have to mean, "we're through" though.
2) If the qualities are there that make for a lasting relationship, the
relationship can well be resumed when both are older.
B. The purpose of dating is not just to have fun, but also to get to know your
date.
1. Many date solely for the purpose of having a good time.
a. There is certainly nothing wrong with having a good time.
b. But it is too often the case that the activities engaged in result in tragedy
and hardship.
c. Dating sometimes results in tragedy because of:
1) Dating too early.
2) Going steady too early.
3) Quality of the dates: where they go - dancing, hard rock concerts,
sexually explicit movies.
4) And parents not placing any restrictions on where they go and
when they must be home.
Illust. d. Did you ever hear how "spooning" got it name.
1) In Wales when a young man came courting a girl, the father gave the
young man some wood that he was to whittle spoons out of when they
were together alone. If no progress on the spoons, making progress
where shouldn't be.
2) The parents didn't do that because they thought their children were
bad.
i. They did it because they knew that what is commonly called
"petting" or "fooling around" is not courtship and would likely lead to
infatuation, which is a false sense of love, which often leads to an
unhappy marriage.
e. Many do not see any harm in petting, but if you believe it remember the
saying, "One things leads to another".
1) There comes a time when the body takes over the mind.
2) The mind says, "this is wrong", but the body says, "I don't care",
and you go on against your judgment, against the law of God.
3) It is extremely difficult to stop because you have set up a succession
which few can break, and that God never intended to be broken:
because it is for married people only, and when they start it they
have a right to finish it.
i. It was a wise man who said, "Don't start something you can't finish."
2 Tim. 2:2 - "Flee also youthful lusts."
2. Have fun on your dates, but let the primary reason of being together be to
get to know one another.
a. Talk! Talk about everything
b. If you don't know what to talk about or what things to do on dates which
will help in getting to know one another, read a book or two on dating.
i. They will probably have some good suggestions and you will find it
enjoyable and well worth your time.
V. A Man and woman who come to love one another have found
something that is great - whereas the man and woman who are
infatuated with each other merely think that they have found
something great, but there is a great difference in infatuation and
love.
A. I want to read to you something about how to tell the difference in
infatuation and love from a book called, "Love Courtship and
Marriage".
IS IT LOVE-OR INFATUATION?
"Here is a young lady, madly in love with two boys. One is on the
basketball team, and the other a young fellow in the a capella chorus.
She does not know which she loves and wants someone to help her
decide. Tests proved that she was not in love with either man-
she simply had a double infatuation. How can you tell love from infatuation?
Dr. Henry Bowman offers these points of distinction: Infatuation may come
suddenly but love takes time.
Infatuation can be based on one or two traits (usually including sexual)
whereas love is based on many traits.
Infatuation produces feelings of insecurity and wishful thinking whereas
love produces a sense of security.
In infatuation the person is in "love" with love, whereas in real love the
person is in love with another person.
In infatuation the other person is thought of as a separate entity and employed for
self-gratification. In real love there is a feeling of identity with the other person.
In infatuation you suffer loss of ambition, appetite, etc., whereas in love you work
and plan to please the other person.
The physical element is much more important in infatuation than in love.
Infatuation may change quickly, but love lasts. In general you can be surer
that it is really love if it has developed over a period of time rather than if it
comes all of a sudden."
B. America places a great value on "romance" between a man and a woman
(before marriage).
1. I hate to go against custom, but did you know that the Chinese who have
never had that romance between the parties before marriage, have had a
far more stable civilization that ours and their families have been stronger
knit than ours.
2. Why? One reason is because they were never together physically, and
there wasn't any possibility of going wrong because of physical passion.
a. Parents united them according to background, culture, education etc.,
and strangely enough, many times their parents made a better match
for the son or daughter than we seem to do through personal choice.
b. The Chinese have a proverb about such things.
1) They say that romantic love without these affinities of mind and
soul is like a hot kettle on a cold stove; it will grow cold:
2) But, the affinity of the mind and soul without the romantic love is
like a cold kettle on a hot stove, it will warm up!
3) In other words, romance can come after marriage if the qualities
are there.
C. This thing called "romance" is dangerous for the unmarried.
1. Someone says, "Oh, it isn't either, my parents did it and they didn't
get hurt".
2. Would you say war isn't dangerous because your brother didn't get killed?
a. A lot of people's brother did.
b. What happens in isolated cases is no proof.
3. I'm not saying that you shouldn't show any affection toward your date,
if you don't, he or she might think something is wrong with you.
4. What I'm saying is, don't get too physical when dating, it is best to
keep your relationship intellectual.
a. Will save a lot of heartaches.
Conclusion
I. Young people, there is nothing so tragic as to engage in physical
activities which will make you think that you are in love when you are
not, and you get married and find out that you are not in love, you are
not suited for each other.
A. It is a tragic thing.
B. This is why I preach as strongly and as forcefully as I can,
"Prepare for Marriage".
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